"I didn't even have to use my AK, today was a good day." Ice Cube
I found a spoon. I know you are all as excited for me as I am for myself. It had only the slightest amount of charring on the bottom, and, with a little elbow grease and a green, scratchy-pad, it was practically out-of-the-box new. I hid it in the cabinet. I can't wait to buy some ice cream and take that baby for a test drive.
Things continue to be exciting at the shelter. The guy who thinks he is better than everyone else because he has a job, might not have a job. Last night, at midnight, I'm sleeping, one of the staff members comes in and wakes him up for work, waking myself and the two other guys in the room in the process. Dude says, "Oh midnight? Yeah. I have to be at work at one." The staff member says okay and walks out, confident he has done his duty. Dude starts talking to himself. He is obviously still high from whatever it was he took at 10:00PM, before getting his two hours of sleep for the day. I fall back to sleep. At 5:00AM, I hear dude cursing. He is screaming to the staff member on duty now that the guy last night didn't wake him and that he was going to lose his job as a result. I can barely keeps myself from:
A) Telling him to shut his fucking dope fiend ass up at five in the fucking morning.
And B) Laughing hysterically.
I decide I have to piss, and might as well smoke while I'm at it. I go piss, then head outside to the smoking area. Dude comes out. Of course he bums a smoke. He only has twenties, he says. What the fuck does that mean? Take one of your twenties and spend $6.00 of it on a goddamn pack of cigarettes. I'm sure one of the gas stations in town must have change for such a troublingly large denomination of currency. So, I give him a cigarette. He says, "Hey, did you hear them wake me up last night?" I said, "Do you want my honest answer?" And he says, "He woke me up, didn't he?" I say, "Yep." Because the thing is this. This guy is a royal pain in the ass. He is a complete fuck up. But if he wants to say the staff member didn't wake him up, then I will ride with him. I am still a convict. I don't have it in my make up to go with the staff against "One of us". Call it institutionalized, or whatever, but there it is.
The day got better. I lay back down for an hour, after finishing my smoke. At 7:30 put the crispy new Dickies on, put Tool on the headphones, and headed out. Went to Bloomingfood's for some organic, free trade, French roast and some Greek style yogurt. Remember when we just drank coffee and ate Yoplait? Me too. Went to a meditation meeting. Breathe in, breathe out. Just focus on the breath. Don't fight it. If you get distracted, that's okay, just watch the image float away and refocus. It was actually pretty cool. I used to meditate for an hour everyday, and I was a more reasonable person when I did. Then had a good breakfast with my daughter, and went for a hike.
Enough joy. I can only handle so much. Back to day one. For anyone who didn't read my first post, you will have some catching up to do.
Put "Sea Change" by Beck on to get in the right mood. Such a beautifully depressing album.
I didn't want to walk to the car. I wanted to stand there in the rain. I should have been thrilled to see my sister, but I kept thinking about the time I stole her CD's, the time she wired me $450 while some West Side of Chicago Vice Lord with gold teeth, a Mac-10 pistol, and a rumored liberal trigger finger was looking for me, and all the other times she had bailed me out and I had let her down. And here she was bailing me out again. I travelled slowly, nervously, until she saw me and got out of her car. She came over and hugged me. I don't have the words to describe how wonderful it felt.
I was a nervous wreck. I felt like I was going to pass out. I felt like I was going to jump out of the car. We stopped at a diner, and I couldn't figure out what to order. The choices overwhelmed me. I couldn't sit still. I didn't know how to talk to the waitress, and she scared the shit out of me. The old woman at the counter was like a demon from hell. All the customers were staring at me. In fact, I have been out of prison for two and a half weeks and up until two days ago I was convinced that everyone everywhere was staring at me. I don't understand how you can live packed in under Third World conditions for five and a half years and be terrified of people. I had to eat, sleep, shit, shower, and anything else in front of 240 people. I was constantly around people. And now I am terrified of them. Go figure. I don't know how it is different, but it is. Free World people are different from incarcerated people. After a few years of being in, I stopped talking to any new people because they were all weird to me.
Cue to "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies now.
We stopped at Walmart. I know what you're thinking, "Jay, a revolutionary like you shopping at Walmart? Say it isn't so." Yes, it's true. They are evil and I am sorry. But they are also cheap, and I am on a budget. Don't worry, I paid dearly for it. I got so confused. Everyone stared at me. It smelled funny. The automatic faucet in the bathroom blew my mind. My sister wandered off and I got scared. I couldn't remember why I was in the store to begin with. I thought, "Boxers. That's easy enough. Go get some boxers." It wasn't easy. The shelves contained so many brands, styles, colors, that I became more confused than ever. Socks. Easy. Black. Grab some. Here's another tidbit for all you non-institutionalized people. I refuse to wear white. White socks, underwear, t-shirts---NO! White or khaki. They are prison colors. I'll go commando before I put on a pair of white boxers. Somehow, with my sister's assistance, I managed to get some of the things I needed. I gave up on the rest of it. I wanted to get the fuck out of there before my head exploded.
We got through the shopping. We made it back to the hotel and I started to calm. A little. I needed more items, and there would be more excursions into society before the day was over. First I had to call my parole officer, always a treat, check in and make sure I was allowed to stay at the hotel for the next four days. Got the okay. Things were looking up. But then they would get worse.
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