Dissatisfaction

We find ourselves in a vulnerable position and we become clingy, ready to latch onto anyone or thing which shows us any attention. This could happen after any major, life-altering event. A divorce, or just a break up after long relationship. Maybe not even a break up, but a fight or a change in the atmosphere of a romantic relationship. A death of a loved one. A move to a strange location. Loss of our source o financial stability. Release from prison. Add whatever reality bending event you want to this list.

I am in just such a position. I am bored and dissatisfied with my life. My weakness is at an all time high. I don't even know when I will be able to return home, for Christ's sake. I wander the town like some alms begging monk in search of enlightenment. Sometimes I am rewarded. Sometimes the veil is lifted, and for a few brief moments I understand. Usually I am in a fog.

People break through this fog. They come out from their hiding spots in the distant past to offer some comfort, a needed respite for a weary traveler. But some of them want something in return. Some of them want things I can no longer provide.

Is it because misery loves company? People are dissatisfied with their lives, so they seek out like minded individuals with the hope that two miseries make a comfort. It doesn't work. I can tell you that from experience.

But you feel for these people. You are weak yourself. You think maybe, so you get caught up in what ifs and if onlys. This is especially true if you and this person have a shared romantic past. This makes the situation harder to avoid, and easier to get stuck in once you have taken the bait. You can't shake the hook. You get involved in late night messaging sprees, waking up in the morning hoping to see their name when you check your messages. maybe you click over to their Facebook page several times a day to look at their pictures, conveniently overlooking the pictures of them with their significant other, smiling, arm in arm. because the pictures don't tell the real story, this person tells you. There is no joy. There is no love.

The future and the past are the only topics in these situations, because there is no now for you. If only we had done this in the past, you say. If only we had done that, the other person says. We will do this differently in the future. We will be different. It is going to be great. We will live happily ever after.

This is why these relationships are not real. Reality happens in the here and now, and if you have no here and now, you have nothing. The past is an illusion, painted whatever color suits the purpose of our memories. The future is pure speculation. Speculation and illusions are the domain of dreams, not reality. You can't base a life on them.

But what if it comes true? You say to yourself. These things happen. You also tell yourself that these things don't happen more often than they do, but you don't listen to that as easily. It is easier to live than to dream.

I have found myself in this same situation more than once in the past month. I guess it is a product of coming to social media at a much later date than all your relatives, and all the people you grew up with. It is not limited to romantic fantasy either. People want all types of emotional band-aids, and come looking for people to apply them. And I try, but I can't always do it. I have my own problems right now, too many of them to try fixing someone else's. It is difficult. There is a fine line between compassion and the over exertion of your emotional muscles. I tried to walk that line, but I don't know if I can. Too hard to not care.