Insane in the Membrane

So fucked up. My mind is 1000 miles and a lifetime away. What if? What if I had done this instead of that? Nostalgia and reflection. Living in the past. The Buddha would have a thing or two to say to me. But the Buddha never had to deal with prison or parole and their bureaucratic red tape. Or modern technology, where everyone with a cellphone or a computer, and the desire to do so, can get back in touch with you. So how can we not live in the past? Sit under a tree, shun the world, and meditate? Not possible for most of us. And it's not a bad thing. I am super stoked to be back in contact with friends and relatives. Most of them, at least. But I am overwhelmed. I spent the past 14 years in and out of prisons and drug stupors. I have distanced myself from everything that makes this life beautiful. I thought I was living, but other people were living and I was stagnating. And now I have 14 years or 20 years or 30 years of catching up. Talk about a mind fuck. With each cousin or aunt or sister or brother or old friend or girlfriend who surfaces, my mind has to sift through all those buried, suppressed emotions. I have taken so many wrong turns. And you will message me (those of you who really give a shit) and say, "We all have skeletons. The good thing is that you are turning it around." I know that is true. But the other side of me tells me that some things you can't be forgiven for. Some things you need to run and hide from. You are poison and you fuck over everyone and everything you come in contact with. While in prison, when my sister first approached me with the idea of helping me out and my returning to Buffalo, my gut reaction was, Fuck No. I'm not putting anyone through that again. I am going to live anyway I can, avoid everyone, live any way possible until off parole, and disappear. I didn't want to poison her or any of my other family members, especially my daughter. If I had to apologize to everyone I have screwed over (and it is many of the people who read this, and still find it in their hearts to care for me), I would never get anything else done.

But I didn't stick with it. My sister wore me down, and here we are.

It is a depressing day, if you haven't noticed. Cold and rainy. Owed an $18 library card debt from years ago. Paid $5 and the guy waived $5, so I would be under $10 and able to check out. Going to borrow some music and movies, and fill my hard drive with virus-free, less than 2 and a half day for download entertainment.

Sometimes I think the Buddha was right. nostalgia is a disease. A disease which afflicts most of us. I am not the only one with What Ifs? Some of you have told me yours. If you grab a piece of the past and bring it to the future is it still living in the past? Can you change a What If into a What Now? Are things and opportunities a one time only deal, and if you screw it up you can't go back and fix it? Do we have to be perfect all the time? Stoic and rational in out judgment, disregarding the value of the outcomes to our gratification?

Gratification, my old friend. I have spent a lifetime with you. The instant strain of you. I have never been much for long term gratification. I have never understood the idea of preparing to be happy, doing the legwork to achieve this, hoping for a payoff in the future. I want my gratification steaming hot, fresh off the grill. And the Buddha would tell me that instant gratification goes away instantly. Buddha, you wise old son of a bitch, go fuck yourself. Sit there, smugly meditating while I trip over my own dick with each step. How do you prepare to be happy? When I get X amount of dollars I will be happy. When I have beautiful children I will be happy. When I have a husband who doesn't get drunk and hit me I will be happy. If I ever get between the legs of that girl from the past who recently friended me I will be happy. If the wars end I will be happy. When all the puppy dogs have warm, safe homes and plenty to eat I will be happy. There is an endless stream of If Onlys, and once we gain that rung we see something higher up the ladder that would make us more happy.

So. Are we doomed to a life of unhappy longing? Probably. There may be a way out. there are a few contented people out there, or people who say they are, but I am always a little skeptical of people who make such bold claims while the rest of us suffer. And if they are truly contented, I hope they get hit by a bus. All their giddiness is unfair to the rest of us. A constant reminder of our inadequate misery.

Do I actually miss the thing or person from the past, or some time or idea they represented? This is a question I was just asked. Both? Maybe? I don't know. People and possessions become dear to us. The old, "You don't know what you had until it's gone". But people and possessions are bound to their exact location in space and time. But that would be like saying people who wear  tie-dyed shits are longing for the 60's. Most people who wear tie-died shirts have no clue about the 60's and wouldn't give up their Air Macs and Cellphones to go back there. I think we develop an attachment to something/someone, and then, for whatever reason, that attachment gets separated. And then one day you go, "Man, I remember....... Wonder what it/he/she is up to." And there it begins. Instant longing.

You are all overwhelming me, but it is good. I am still scared of people, though it is becoming easier. When you see me in person you will think I am a different person. I tend to write more than I talk. Thanks for listening to whatever it is I am trying to say. Thanks for helping me through this.