Don't really have a topic this morning, so we will see where the wind takes us. It has been a busy, long holiday weekend. Weird when you get to Saturday and feel you have already had your weekend. Thursday I went to a friend's mother's house in Indy. It was freezing, and a little awkward being around total strangers, but they were nice people and the food was great. Mostly it just made me homesick. Even more than usual.Yesterday I did what all the other homeless people did, go Black Friday shopping. As a result, I am wearing the first pair of jeans I have worn in five and a half years.
Some strange things have been happening at the shelter. On Thanksgiving Day, one of the workers came in and donated his time so the residents wouldn't have to get up and leave. It was a nice gesture, one that I don't think many took notice of or stopped to thank him. It was a fairly depressing scene for the people who had nowhere to go, especially because they had to sit and watch the people who had gatherings to go to get ready. I woke up around 8:30, went to Kroger's for coffee and doughnuts (Mmmm........ Jocelyn. They were so good. You should have one right now. This advertisement brought to you by the good folks at Krispy Kreme), ripped some CDs, and left at one for the feasting. I returned at 8:00 Pm, and many of the people were still sitting in the same spot they were when I left earlier. It was sad.
I get torn, you know, wanting to help people and wanting people to show some effort to change their situation. But I don't know all the facts. I am not them, so I can't live their life. I get shitty when they same guy bums cigarettes off me, day after day, while never seeming to run out of drugs. I get mad, but I know what it is like. I know how it is to like things like food, shelter, clothing, and cigarettes, but having an unfillable (I don't care if spell check doesn't think that is a word) pit in the center of your existence. So I give the cigarettes. The cigarettes my sister works hard for, putting up with the corporate banking world and all its bullshit. And on top of that, I try to make a conscious effort to seem like it really doesn't bother me, like I am happy to do it. People have enough guilt, you can see the shame in their eyes, I don't need to add to it. I am no better than anyone, and a lot worse than most.
Some of the things I have done, it amazes me that I can find anyone willing to talk to me. But we all have skeletons. We have all done bad things. Then you have to find some way to quantify all the bad things you have done. Well, I did X and that gave me three Bad Person Points, then I did Y and that gave me seven Bad Person Points, but this guy did the whole alphabet and accumulated more Bad Person Points than we can calculate. But what if X went off and started a chain reaction that spread across the globe ruining people's day? How do you calculate that? Which, I suppose is a serious flaw with Karma, unless there is some constantly running, super accurate, cosmic moral accountant, and even so, it would be worthless to our earthly record keeping. The point is, it is hard to judge your moral debits to those of someone else. It is also, ultimately, a waste of time. A way for us to feel superior, even when In The Grand Scheme Of Things we aren't, so it is an illusion. The best course of action, and, of course, the most difficult, would be to treat everyone as an equal.
I don't know. Maybe this is all a subconscious attempt by a person who has done lots of bad shit to minimize it all.
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Back to the shelter. There has been an influx of new blood there. Some of the people living there reached their four month max, some found apartments, some were kicked out for violating policy or just decided to go back to the streets, whatever the case there were a lot of empty beds. The people who have recently arrived represent the two polar ends of the homeless continuum.
The first group is the older, been on the streets for years, end of the continuum. This group saddens you because of their complete submission to what they see as their station in life, but has the best stories to tell. They have been everywhere and done everything. At least everything a homeless person does. Most of them have traveled the country. Most of them have been in prisons and jails. Most of them are alcoholics. They stick together, avoiding most of the younger people. There is a married couple among them, which should be an horrific omen to the younger couples. This group doesn't tend to last long, due to the fact that the shelter is not hospitable to the alcoholic lifestyle. There are Breathalyzer tests every night, so they have to wait until 9:00 Pm to start drinking, while watching the younger junkies blissfully go through their days.
The younger group is starting their journey on the continuum. They don't have many stories to tell, but they make up enough lies to cover it. Most of them have been nowhere. Most of them are junkies. Most of them have spent a night or two in the county jail, but have yet to make it to prison. They bum cigarettes, while nodding off. They pretty much annoy the shit out of everyone else. They walk around with the speakers of their phones playing some shitty music, which they think is talented and incredible until the new song comes out the next week. The young females are the most annoying. At least to me.
The young ladies have been conditioned by the young men, so it is not entirely their fault. However, they learn to exploit their powers, and attempt to use them on everyone. I don't give a fuck how many times you bat your eyes, I am not giving you a dollar or taking the trash out for you. These boys trip over each others dicks trying to win the ladies attentions, and the ladies get used to it. Then they exploit it. They walk around like their shit doesn't stink, and all I can think is, "Are you fucking kidding me? Have you once opened your eyes and took a look at where the fuck you are?"
Last night there was some commotion in the television room. I stuck my head in to see what all the noise was about. A new girl was checking in, and all the boys were in there competing to win her eye. The idea of looking for love in the homeless shelter still baffles me. And I am the horniest mother fucker on the planet right now. I haven't been laid in almost six years.
One little chick in particular drives me crazy. Her boyfriend is also a resident. While he is at work, she flirts with the other guys, and then tries to stir up trouble when he gets home. She is probably eighteen or nineteen. She walks around bitching about everything. She thinks she is the fucking princess of the shelter. She is always complaining about the dope fiends and the people who are alcoholics. She talks shit about the people who won't get a job. She talks about her job and how she has a home and doesn't need to be here. That is a common one. When people want to show off their superiority they talk about how they have money and aren't like the rest of the people there, how they are better. Are you fucking kidding me? Do they actually think it makes them look superior because they are living in a shelter when they don't have to? Makes them look like a fucking idiot. If they told me I could leave right now, I couldn't pack fast enough. One day I said to this chick, "You need to grow up and stop playing house with your boyfriend at the homeless shelter, and walking around here bitching about these people. You're right, you shouldn't be here. All the people you are bitching about are the people who live in these places. People who are on drugs, drunks, people who won't keep a job. That's pretty much what these places are for, so if you don't want to be around them, I suggest you straighten up your life right away." She has been much nicer to me lately.
So back to me being torn. I have half a brain. I have been in the situation. I would be a good candidate to know something about the solution to the homeless and prison problems. I am not. I don't know shit. The reasons for being homeless and the reasons for breaking the law are so varied, that the only way to deal with them is on an individual level. This is nothing new or smart, this is what case managers at all the agencies who deal with these issues try to do. There are people who will tell you all they want is a job and a home, them you give them both and the next week they are jobless and homeless. The factors that led individual to their present point have to be considered, and many times they aren't. It is like addiction. Addiction gets used as an explanation for the way certain people are, but what is the explanation for the addiction? You have to go, step by step, through a person's life to figure it all out. You still might not be able to. I have friends who belong to prison abolitionist groups and they look to me like I am obviously one of them, but I don't know. Prisons do no good, but what is the alternative. I have been around some guys that I would never want to be around on the streets.
I am going now. I have been working on a longer piece, maybe a novel, and I have to go devote some time to it. I need to change the name of my blog. I am terrible with names, and am open to suggestions.
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