I'm not sure where this is going today. I am in a weird mood. I am depressed and tired, yet I am happy and optimistic. Maybe I need some fucking Prozac or something similar. Maybe I am manic depressant.
Tried to do the Old Tyme thing and switch to rolling my own cigarettes. Purchased a pouch of American Spirit 100% additive free, 100% organic, American gown tobacco. I figured I could save a few dollars, help the environment, and support independent farmers. Three things I am all for. Down side: I feel like I am going to throw up every time I smoke one, and I can't roll a cigarette to save my life. So much for being Old Tyme and compassionate.
I am tired. So tired. I am tired of living in a homeless shelter while my apartment sits empty, waiting for me. I am tired of wandering around all day, bouncing between coffee shops and restaurants, wasting money. I am tired of trying to portray a happy, hopeful man, while I am giving up more and more with each passing day. I am tired of the government and all their red tape. They won't have to worry about transferring my parole, because, by the time they get around to it, I will be discharged. It gives you a good understanding of the thought process behind the mind that decides to take a U haul truck packed with ammonia nitrate, blasting caps, and a timer and park it in front of the closest government building. (To my friends under the mountain in Utah, I don't condone that type of activity, just blowing off steam.)
The madness continues at the shelter. The moods and attitudes vary with the types of drugs available and the financial stability of the residents. when the drugs aren't around or they are out of money they mostly sleep. Other days they can't sit still.
The thing that still gets me the most confused is the couples living there. I can't even imagine. One couple in particular. They are both super nice and super caring. They ask me how my day went, and take time to listen to my problems, when they have enough of their own. They are undeserving of the hand life has dealt them. They were married in the beginning of July and lived with her sister and her sister's husband. At the end of July (two weeks after the wedding), the sister split up with her husband and they were kicked out. She works at a fast food establishment and he is on disability. He just found a job where he is allowed to sit down, and they are working with an agency to get an apartment. I saw them yesterday morning walking down the alley, arm in arm. They looked like any other adorable couple, then I remembered their situation and my heart broke. I wish I had the money to help them out. They deserve better.
Why is it that the hottest chicks are always with the biggest tools? There is a chick in here who is so incredibly beautiful I want to rip my heart out, walk up to her, and hand it to her. She is with a cowboy boot wearing, state trooper looking douche bag.
So I try. I plod along. I put one bored, miserable foot in front of the other. Time passes, I get older, hopefully wiser. I think about the positive. I am having dinner with my beautiful daughter tonight. I have people who support and care for me. This will pass. I will come out on top. There are people who are worse off than I am. I have a way out.
But it doesn't always work. Sometimes the demons creep in. I look around my surroundings. There are people who have been in the situation I am in for years. I don't know how they do it. There are younger people who are just starting out, but will probably bounce from hopeless situation to hopeless situation for the rest of their lives.
This is short, but I am done complaining. And I have another post almost done and ready to go, so I will most likely put that up today too.
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